


miles away

by indemnis



Category: K-pop, Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - War, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hoseok is already dead before this fic even begins I'm sorry, Hurt, M/M, Military, Mpreg, Separations, Tears, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 02:40:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12521116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indemnis/pseuds/indemnis
Summary: Hyunwoo needs to leave to fulfill his duties as a soldier and Kihyun waits.





	miles away

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song Miles Away by Memphis May Fire. issa good song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3Qz5P-YMdk
> 
> sorry in advance for the angst and the fact that there is literally no plot. they also say 'i love you' a lot.

They say it gets easier, but it doesn’t, no matter how many times they’ve gone through it. Kihyun is thumbing through the collar of Hyunwoo’s uniform, lifting it up only to iron it onto the fabric again, the cloth heavy in his hands.

Hyunwoo’s gaze follows his movements and Kihyun is not looking up at him, eyes training solely on sorting out his attire.

“You’re fussing,” Hyunwoo says, reaching out to hold Kihyun’s thin fingers, and interlaces them with his own. Kihyun is wearing Hyunwoo’s shirt and only his shirt, his collarbones showing, neck littered with blue-black marks blossomed over the night.

The previous night came and went like a feverish blaze. It was a desperate urge to dominate, to mark him as his own, the fear flowing out in gentle kisses over his tear-streaked cheeks, and empty promises of returning home.

“Sorry. I’m just -- you know how I’m like.”

Hyunwoo smiles, blinks as he does, and Kihyun tries his very best to reflect it to no avail.

“I know, baby. I like it when you fuss over me.”

The statement seems horribly ironic in their current state of affairs, and Kihyun lets out a bitter laugh. Hyunwoo rubs his hands over his arms in an attempt to alleviate the effects of his unintentional poke. Kihyun’s chest heaves; up, then down, and Hyunwoo pushes down the knot in his throat.

“I’ve been back all those other times, haven’t I?” He leans in to place a light kiss on Kihyun’s forehead, and the younger man curls into him immediately, a soft whimper escaping his lips.

Hyunwoo’s heart aches. He’s never hated the man that he was more than he did now, in this exact moment.

“That’s why it gets scarier, hyung.” His voice is a whisper, muffled against his chest. He peeks up, eyes large with fear, desolation written all over his face. Hot tears roll in his eyes and Hyunwoo can tell he’s trying so hard to not let them fall. “I don’t know how many more chances I have until my luck runs out.”

There is a sharp pang of pain that almost draws all of Hyunwoo’s breath away, but instead he just holds on tighter to the man he loves, burying his nose in his reddish-brown hair.

“We’ll have so many chances, baby. So many.”

But like all his other promises, they both know it’s not up to Hyunwoo to keep them.

Kihyun tries but fails, fat tears flowing from his eyes and trickling down his pallid skin, his fingers tightening over the back of Hyunwoo’s uniform.

“I’ll miss you so much.” He chokes on his words and Hyunwoo grimaces. His men’s lives are on his shoulders, and it’s suffocating, but there’s nothing more he wants now than to lounge at home in the comfort of Kihyun’s arms, laughing at brainless punchlines on TV.

“Me too, baby. Me too.”

He feels like he’s just repeating the things he’s saying over and over again, but it’s apt, because war is but a cyclical process of sending himself to the gates of Hell and hoping he’ll crawl back alive without being captured by Hades himself.

And he knows he’s not just sending himself there, too.

He probably should have heed his colleague’s advice. Hoseok was always the smarter out of the both of them; he knew long ago that relationships for soldiers like them never lasted, and he was happy flitting from person to person, never settling for one.

 _It’s dangerous_ , he had said, _it distracts you from wanting to save your country because having a loved one is the one thing that could be more important than a mission._

And right now, Hyunwoo knows Hoseok is right, even if he’s no longer alive to rub it in his face. He’s used to death. He sees it all the time -- daily, even, when he’s on the battlefield.

He steps on the corpses of his colleagues and subordinates, all just to gain an upper hand, all just so that their efforts wouldn’t be wasted, and they wouldn’t have died in vain.

And he remembers Hoseok’s eyes, enlarged, like he had to witness the last fleeting moments of his life flash past him, as a bullet pierced through his temple, killing him instantly.

He didn’t remember to weep -- he didn’t have time, he was too busy aiming for the asshole who had taken his life, and returned the favour -- until he had come home, and broke down when Kihyun asked him where Hoseok was, and if he was joining them for dinner.

*****

Hyunwoo remembers a time before he had met Kihyun. The images are unclear, but they’re there, lodged securely in some corner of his mind.

It had been so easy to float around, letting the wind take him, having no bearings in life. He only knew he wanted so badly to help the nation, and fight for the people in any way he could, and he signed on.

Hyunwoo was accepting of his possible death. He wouldn’t have been happy about it, no, but there was nothing in this world that necessarily held him in his place, convinced him to stay. And if that was how he was going to go, Hyunwoo was okay with that.

Kihyun had been as a surprise, a medic on the field who was quiet for the most part, but feisty and dominating as he barked out orders for people to fetch him supplies, equally harsh with the soldiers who whined as he fixed them up.

“You got shot in the arm, Lee. I’m certain putting the bullet into your flesh hurts more than me taking it out. Now will you shut your damn mouth while I work?”

And it works, every time, because despite that mouth of his, Kihyun is very efficient, and very skilled.

Hyunwoo wasn’t a whiner, and Kihyun liked that. He enjoyed his silence, and glared at him when he occasionally hissed at the burn of the antiseptic. Fortunately, he stops there, and doesn’t go on a passionate rant about his pain whenever Kihyun treated him.

He didn’t know where or how they started.

Maybe it was in that sudden kiss Kihyun left after treating a cut on his thigh, leaving him wanting more as he kissed back, attacking his poor lips as he savoured him on his tongue, breath heavy against his cupid’s bow.

Maybe it was how he would sneak into Kihyun’s bunk when everyone was sleeping, and held a palm against his mouth to muffle his moans as he fucked him from behind, the bed rocking furiously against the wall.

Maybe it was how when the war in the districts ended, and Hyunwoo had filth and grime all over himself, and Kihyun was there, playing with his fingers as he waited for him, wearing the brightest smile when Hyunwoo emerged from his tent.

Maybe it’s the time he brought Kihyun back to a house of desertion, cobwebs forming in corners he hadn’t noticed, and Kihyun offered to cook for him before he stayed the night.

Kihyun made leaving difficult. Hyunwoo suddenly realised that he was no longer okay with dying on the battleground, because while it used to be so easy to think of dying as an act of sheer heroism, Hyunwoo now doesn’t want any moment of alleged martyrdom without Kihyun in sight.

*****

Kihyun lifts his head and kisses him. Soft and sweet, just like him, and Hyunwoo melts into his touch, cupping his small face with his hands.

Kihyun smells like peppermint.

Hyunwoo growls against his lips, soft and pink, and he’s so eager to ravish him against the wall, but it must wait.

Kihyun thinks he hears a car pulling up at the driveway, and he knows who it is before the deafening ‘Sir!’ reverberates through their neighbourhood.

Their kiss lingers, whispers of _I love you_ s against skin, against lips, crossed over their hearts. Hyunwoo tries his best to not cry, but Kihyun’s already sobbing again into his chest.

“I’m sorry, I’m really trying to not cry. I know you’ll be back again, but I just --”

“No, it’s okay, baby. You can cry.” He rubs soothing circles into the small of his back, and Kihyun clings onto him for any additional second Hyunwoo can afford.

“I love you,” he says with teary eyes, trying his best to smile, and Hyunwoo kisses the tip of his nose before he skims the tip of his nose with his.

“And me you, baby. I love you so, so much.”

They stay there in silence for what seems to be forever, and Kihyun knows at this point that he’s just stalling, but none of them are willing to move away, wishing the world would just stand still in this very second.

“We’ll wait for you. To come home.” Kihyun’s voice is small, and he’s peering at Hyunwoo, before returning to downcast eyes.

The older man frowns. “ _We_?”

His exhale is breathy, coming out in unstable puffs, and Hyunwoo pulls away and holds him by his shoulders. Kihyun swallows, and lifts an arm. His right palm sits comfortably atop his belly, and he doesn’t dare to breathe.

His fingers curl in the slightest inch, and it takes Hyunwoo all but two seconds. “Wha --” His eyes widen, his voice stuck in his throat. “Ki -- you -- are you --” It comes in pathetic stutters, and Kihyun feels the hands on his shoulder trembling.

He doesn’t trust his voice to say anything in this moment, so he nods, just briefly, and it’s enough to release the huge rock over Hyunwoo’s chest, only to replace it with a bigger one.

“Fuck, I -- Why didn’t you tell me? How far along are you?” Hyunwoo looks at him with incredulity, and Kihyun feels a twinge of guilt.

“I don’t know, I haven’t gone to see the gynae yet, which I should, but you were so busy with training; I didn’t know if it was a good time. I just did a self-test kit at home -- five, actually, just to make sure -- and they all came out positive. That was last Friday.”

“Oh. Oh baby.” The same hands that send blows in the direction of his opponent lie gentle on Kihyun, large palms coming to cup Kihyun’s face and holding him like he were fragile, like he would break the second he let go. He kisses him, deep, painful, emotional.

God knows they’ve been trying to have one for a while, but they’ve been skeptical after Kihyun’s last miscarriage, and honestly, a little afraid to try.

This couldn’t have come at a worse timing.

“I’m so -- I’m so happy, it’s just --”

Kihyun blinks at him, and kisses his chin lightly. “I’ll be okay. Minhyuk will look out for me. So will my mum.”

“I know, darling, but I --” he scrunches his face, “I wanted to be here. For you. For this. For our baby.”

Kihyun smiles, and then there are more tears rolling down his face. Hyunwoo doesn’t know what else to say other than ‘I’m sorry’ in this instant, but it seems like even that wouldn’t suffice.

“I love you. I promise to be back real soon. Please, hold on for me.” Hyunwoo beseeches, and Kihyun gulps before nodding.

They part when Jooheon steps at the doorway of their house, clearing his throat and asking for permission to enter, saluting Hyunwoo as he does.

Hyunwoo extricates himself from Kihyun’s hold, and kisses him on the scalp, a waft of coconut invading his senses, and his eyes are blurry again.

“We’re pressed for time, Captain. We have to pick up Changkyun too, Sir.” Jooheon’s words are a tumble of staccatos, and Hyunwoo grunts in approval.

He picks up his gear and straps it onto his back, Kihyun staring at him as he does, unsure as to what he should be saying now.

His eyes zoom in to Kihyun’s tummy again, and he hesitates before squatting in front of his husband. There are more moments of hesitation before Hyunwoo presses his face against Kihyun’s shirt, ear above his stomach.

He feels Kihyun’s sharp gasp more than he hears it, and he knows it’s too soon for him to hear anything, but it’s his child. _Their_ child. The thought brings another sting to the tip of his nose, and Hyunwoo has to breathe hard through his mouth.

“Hey little guy. Girl. Baby. Take care of yourself, and your Daddy as well, okay? Papa will be back real soon.”

Moisture hits the back of his bare neck, and Hyunwoo has to brace himself to not break down. Not here, not now, not in front of Jooheon.

“I love you, tiny child.”

Kihyun giggles, his voice nasal from his crying. “They can’t hear you.”

Hyunwoo looks up at Kihyun, who has love flowing from his eyes, and he smiles. “Well, then I’ll make sure to come back and tell them that when they can.”

Kihyun’s heart is full with hope and he pulls Hyunwoo up for another hug, another kiss, and Jooheon is shuffling uneasily at the door.

They both laugh.

“You should go,” Kihyun whispers against his lips, and Hyunwoo nods.

Hyunwoo lingers, the air between them less sombre after Kihyun’s confession, and Hyunwoo turns around repeatedly as Kihyun waves him away.

“Just go,” he says, trying to focus past his tears, and Hyunwoo nods once again, heading towards the car Jooheon’s parked in front of their place.

“Hey, Kihyun hyung.” Jooheon moves in as Hyunwoo loads his stuff into the vehicle, extending a single arm to the older boy.

He takes it, and Jooheon curls it around him, warm and comforting. They pull away after a good few seconds, and Jooheon’s smile is blinding.

His optimism is almost infectious.

“Hey Jooheon,” he smiles, the light not quite reaching his eyes. Hyunwoo is putting his gear in the boot, and Kihyun grabs onto Jooheon’s arm gently. “Take care of him, won’t you? For me?”

Jooheon appears to be used to the request, and nods his head before grinning. “When have I ever let you down? I’ve sent him back to you all those other times, haven’t I?”

Kihyun chuckles. “Yes, you have. So please send him back again one more time.”

Jooheon nods his head again, more fervently this time. “Don’t worry, hyung. He’ll be back before you can count to ten.”

Kihyun laughs, and Jooheon laughs with him, and in this moment they try to forget about the impending doom. There is a flash of something in Jooheon’s eyes when they smile, but Kihyun pushes it down.

Surely Jooheon must feel fear -- it’s only normal to be afraid for your life when you go out to war -- but if he’s intending to mask it with a grin, then it isn’t in Kihyun’s position to expose him for it.

Jooheon smiles. “So.” His eyes pan down to Kihyun’s stomach, and the older man’s face flushes a dark red. “Baby, huh?”

Kihyun sighs. “Yeah. Baby.”

Jooheon’s hand lands on his shoulder. “It must be so hard for you, hyung, but I know you can do it.”

Kihyun laughs shakily. “All the more you should send him back to me, yeah?” He tries to put it off as a joke, but Jooheon understands the desperation in his voice, more than anyone else.

“Yeah, hyung, I promise.”

But the three of them know it’s not up to any of them to keep their promises.

Hyunwoo has finished stuffing everything into the boot and Jooheon catches sight of him. “We’ll be going then, hyung. Hyunwoo hyung will try to call you at camp. But you know how reception’s like.”

Kihyun nods. He’s been the victim of dialing into their camp an aggravating number of times during his more frenzied moments to get to Hyunwoo, such as telling him that he’s just lost his baby, and that he really wants Hyunwoo to come back.

Hyunwoo hadn’t been there for a lot of crucial moments in their life, but Kihyun can hope. He really hoped Hyunwoo could be back to see their child, and preferably to hold his hand when they bring the child to the world.

But a hope’s a hope, and Kihyun has learnt to not trust it as much as he doesn’t trust promises.

“I’ll follow you to the car. See you guys off.”

He and Jooheon walk over slowly, Hyunwoo leaning against the car as he looks at them approach.

“Nervous?” Kihyun asks, heading straight for Hyunwoo’s open arms, and the older man laughs. “Hardly. Just still a little jittery from the news.” Kihyun chuckles, a twinkle in his eyes.

“I’m going to be a dad,” he whispers, and Kihyun tries to suppress the wave of sadness welling within him. He’s had a miscarriage before, and it might just happen this time, too, but he doesn’t want to burst his bubble, just wants to grasp onto every last sliver of happiness he’s allowed to have right now.

Hyunwoo looks so excited, but Kihyun of all people know just how pressurising this is for him. The war, the child, leaving Kihyun behind. He squeezes his arm tightly, and offers a small smile.

“Hey.” He mouths, and Hyunwoo looks at him expectantly. “I love you.”

Hyunwoo breaks into a breathtaking grin and leans over to kiss him.

“I love you more.” His voice is a hush against Kihyun’s lips, and Jooheon is pacing near them.

They exchange another laugh.

Hyunwoo slides into the passenger seat as Jooheon takes the driver’s, and Kihyun is by his window, fingers still locked with Hyunwoo’s.

“Take care. Both of you.”

Jooheon rolls his eyes. “Yes, mum.”

They laugh, and Hyunwoo offers a tiny smile as they drive away, the warmth of Hyunwoo’s skin still intact.

The car moves further down the road until it’s a black spot, and then it’s no more, and Kihyun stands there for another minute to calm himself down, before trudging back to the vacant house, perfect for three, lovely for two, too big for one.

Kihyun’s never believed in a higher power his whole life, but in this moment, he holds down onto his tummy, and prays for things to be okay.

He spends the rest of the day crying in their room, fingers curling around Hyunwoo’s shirt, strong thumps against his chest with his fist.

It hurts because Hyunwoo’s taken a good part of his heart with him, and he needs him to come back to piece him back together.

Kihyun closes his eyes and counts to ten under his breath, but when he opens his eyes, Hyunwoo is still not there.

**Author's Note:**

> i have wips and i legit wanted to rush out a fic for halloween but guess who thought of this plot (there is no plot what plot) and wrote it anyway i regret everything  
> always wanted to try my hand at mpreg so i tried for something more... subtle. i don't know if i did it right, but hey, it was fun  
> may or may not write more about this, who knows, who cares hAH
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated!  
> twt: @kihyunghyuks


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